Chapter Two: Oh Heck!!

TWO

To say that my journey to the center of Hades with Bob the Demon and his pet imp was somewhat of a culture shock would be vastly understating things. There is no possible way to describe to you some of the things I saw, not because they were indescribable per se, but because there are no words in the human language to describe them.

All manner of twisted beasts and fantasmagorical structures met my eyes as we went from cave to cave. I think I had grown complacent by the time we'd gone down a good four or five levels, thought I'd seen everything, but all of the sudden that changed with just one turn of a corner. We were in a deep, dark cave. It was dank and dark, just as one might expect so deep in the bowels of the earth, when all of the sudden we broke free of the enclosure into a huge cavern. Bright light shone all around us.

Blinking several times to adjust to the change, I was completely unprepared when I saw the source of that light. Had I not known we were deep underground, I would have thought I was looking at the sun. But of course, there could be no possible explanation for this—at least, not using the laws of physics as they are known to us on the human sphere of existence.

"Where the hell are we?" I gasped in awe as I looked upon what appeared to be a replica of the old west, complete with horses, hitching posts, and the prerequisite saloon.

"Seventh ring, of course," Bob said, as if I should have known.

After casting him a dubious look, I decided to head on over to the saloon for a drink.

"I wouldn't drink anything or eat anything around here if I were you," he advised, tugging at my elbow. "It could have some repercussions for your future existence."

"But I'm so thirsty," I protested. "I'm sure Hades would not begrudge me a drink of water."

"Well, I'm sure it's up to you," he answered, turning away so I would not see his smirk.

"Are you going to tell me that whole lot of rubbish about Persephone was the truth?" I scoffed.

"No, no, of course not," Bob said, chuckling outright. "She was just having a go with the master, and didn't want her mother to forbid it. Typical teenage stuff."

"So, what happens if I drink some water, then?" I wanted to know.

"Well, that's hard to say," he hedged. "It's different for every person, of course, but mostly it just means you have to work off your debt somehow."

"Work off my debt?" I repeated in exasperation. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"And you ought not use that word so freely around here, either."

"What, does the man downstairs keep track or something?" I inquired. "Saddle up, pardner, we're gettin' us some grog. I'm not gonna let some 'Big Cheese' tell me what for."

"Howdy, strangers. What are y'all doin' in these here parts?"

"Um, well, I got sucked through a vortex straight into Bob's kitchen, and he's trying to help me get to the center of Hades to ask the Big Cheese to send me home."

"Well, doggie, that sounds like a load of fun," it said. "I'm Pecos Shrub. Mind if I tumble along with you two? I've been meaning to see the Big Cheese about gettin' me a nice pair of opposable thumbs. I figure if he sees a purty thing like you, he might be put in a givin' mood."

"Well, sure, I guess," I answered, looking over at Bob for confirmation. "I don't see why not."

"Hey, who brang that imp in here?" the barkeep bellowed. I turned and noticed that he was actually an animated saddle and decided to turn right back around again as he added, "Dang thing's peein' on the floor. There's gonna be heck to pay if that don't get cleaned up right quick."

"Sorry, sorry," Bob said, taking after the imp with a twig he broke off of Pecos's person and clobbering him with it several times.

"Hey, now, dern fool should ask before he goes takin' parts off a weed," Pecos complained. "That ain't natural."

"Yes, I quite agree," I told him as I drank down the tall, cool glass of water the barmaid had set in front of me.

"Are you sure you want to be doing that, missy?" Pecos inquired as he watched me gulp it down.

"Ah, that was the best water ever," I said on a sigh. "Ok, Bob, we can head on out if you'd like. I think your imp has overstayed his welcome anyway."

"Yes, let's get out of here," he agreed. "I think the locals have begun to gather, and if we don't get out soon we'll get stuck listening to them sing show tunes about all their town business for the next half hour."

"I'm gone!" I said, and the four of us high-tailed it out of there.

Unfortunately, before we got far, a fat, blobby looking many-tentacled orb floated before us and landed with a loud thud. Then it transformed into a chubby goddess in a daisy outfit. "Hello!" she said cheerfully as she pranced around with a green and yellow basket and tossed confetti everywhere.

"Who the hell is that?" I asked with my hand hiding my mouth.

"I heard that," she chided. "You really ought to mind how often you use that word, my dear. Anyway, as you may have guessed, I am Persephone. I've come here to guide you on your journey, if you will but listen to a few words of friendly advice."

"What the hell are you doing in Hades in the middle of summer?" I asked her.

"Ah, I see you've discounted some of what I've said already," she said with a moue of distaste. "No matter, to each their own. I just thought you should know that the road to the middle of Hades is always changing, and today's color to follow is gold."

"Gold?" I repeated.

"Yes, gold. From now on, anytime you see something gold, that's the direction that you must follow in order to reach the center of Hades today," she explained. "And I see that your imp has already spotted the first golden item for you. You really ought to put on these gauntlets, my dear. You never know when you may have need of them."

I put on the gauntlets. They were actually quite awesome looking, and surprisingly did not restrict the movement of my hands in any way.

"Well, go on then, try them out," she suggested.

"What the hell do you mean, try them out?" I demanded. A bolt of energy flashed out and disintegrated a nearby boulder.

"Now remember, only blast a living creature if they are threatening to harm you or your friends," Persephone said. "And enjoy the rest of your day, will you? You act as though you haven't even had a cup of coffee."

"Well, actually—" I began, but she blobbed up and was gone before I could finish the sentence.

"Great, now I'm stuck walking around the netherworld with an imp dog and his demon master, and some tumbleweed who doesn't even know which way the wind blows," I complained. "Yo, Pecos, this way?"

"Oh, sorry, ma'am," he said, rolling back toward the rest of us. "I was just prospecting. There seems to be an awful lot of gold in these here parts today."

"Um, maybe we should follow him," I told Bob."

"Good plan," he agreed.

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