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Tame Fiction: Oh Heck!

oh heck

ONE

Have you ever headed for the bathroom on a Monday morning and got sucked into a vortex straight to hell before you even got your first cup of coffee? Let me tell you, when something like that happens you just know it’s going to be one of those kind of days— you know, the kind you wish you could just skip over and forget ever happened.

This was about to be one of those kind of days.

I had my alarm clock set about fifteen minutes early so I could get a jump on the day, maybe have a light breakfast of toast and jam before I rushed out to catch the city bus to head on over to my first day of work at the city library. I was excited to have finally landed the job, and looking forward to a bright new future and a few extra dollars in my otherwise empty pockets.

I was trying to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake up my parents, who had made it clear that as this was their first day off in the last century they hoped to sleep in. My boyfriend had snuck into my room through my window a few hours earlier, and he had just snuck back out again, and just to be funny I had stolen his big, floppy t-shirt and put it on so I could cross the hallway to use the bathroom.

As I opened the door, however, I let out a horrendous scream as I stared right into a gaping, swirling hole ripped into the fabric of time and space. I slammed the door and just sort of stood there, and then my dad opened his bedroom door and sort of glared at me, taking in my disheveled hair and my scanty attire with an irritated and somehow knowing scowl.

"What are you screaming about?" he demanded."

"Um, nothing?" I said casually, and opened the door again. I had just enough time to see his eyes widen in total surprise before I felt myself being sucked in head first. My scream distorted into weird, freaky noises as I was twisted into all sorts of shapes and sizes and then finally put back together again. I shook my head and blinked my eyes, then looked around to see where I’d ended up."

"What the heck" said a demon who was seated primly at his breakfast table eating an English muffin and drinking orange juice. His slippered feet were crossed neatly at the ankl, and he was wearing a tailored dressing gown which he had left untied at the waist. He had a monocle in one eye, and his accent was decidedly British.

Have I just died and gone straight to London?" I inquired as I looked sardonically up at him from my prone position on his parquet floor about a foot away from him.

"What are you doing here?" he inquired. "You’re not supposed to be here."

"Hell if I know," I told him.

"Young lady, there is no hell," he informed me. "The public has been sadly misinformed for the last few centuries. You, my dear, are in one of the outer rings of Hades."

"Well then I suppose I won’t burn in hell if I say the word, will I?" I pointed out with a triumphant grin.

"You’ve got a point there," he had to agree. "But, what the devil are we supposed to do with you? Humans don’t usually come to this area, and especially not by suddenly popping out of nowhere and landing in people’s kitchens for no apparent reason."

"Um, not to make too big of a deal about it or anything, but I was sort of trying to use the bathroom when that vortex thing sucked me in, and I still haven’t gotten to—"

"Ah, yes, of course," he said, nodding. "Right over there, third door to the right. And mind you don’t bother the imp, he gets rather cranky before breakfast."

"Ok, thanks," I said, and walked rather quickly to the door in question.

In I went, but I didn’t get far because the imp in question was blocking my path. With an earth-shattering scream, it launched a full-blown attack on my leg, gnawing on it like a chicken bone.

"Hey, let go of that!" I shouted as I tried to pull him off, and at about the same time realized I couldn’t hold it anymore. Wetness trickled down my leg and all over the creature, and it let out another, much more disgusted shriek this time as it ran in a completely other direction instead.

"What the heck happened?" the demon asked when I came back out.

"Before or after he left?" I asked innocently as I waved a hand under my nose.

"Before?" he asked."

"The stupid thing tried to bite my leg off," I complained.

"Oh, that’s just his way of saying hello," he explained. "Probably just being friendly."

"Could have fooled me," I said as I stuck out my tongue at the short red creature who was peeking out from behind the much bigger one. It whimpered and hid its eyes under its knobby little fingers.

"What’s that smell?"

"You guys don’t use toilet paper down here, do you?" I asked uncomfortably.

"I see," he answered. "There’s a change of clothes in the second door. And I’ve decided what to do. We’re going to have to take you all the way down to the Big Cheese himself."

"You mean—"

"Yes, I'm afraid the only way we're getting you back home will be to go down and see Hades," he answered. "By the way, you may call me Bob. And you are?"

"I'm Lily," I told him. "Bob? Where’d you get a name like Bob, aren’t you a demon?"

"Um, it's a nickname."

"What's your real name, then?" I wanted to know.

"Um, do you really need to know?" he asked, his red skin turning even redder, if that was possible.

"Sure, why not?"

"It’s Beelzebub," he answered, hanging his head.

"Seriously?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

"Hey, it’s a family name," he said. "Cut me some slack, will you?"

"Sorry," I said. "Let me just go get some clean clothes and we can go, Bob, okay?"

"Sure, okay," he agreed, and went back to sipping his orange juice.


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Robin Joy Wirth
robin@redshadow67.com
948 S. Ainsworth Ave, #C
Tacoma, WA, 98405

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Use this low-content book to create characters, settings, internal or external factors that might affect the outcome of your fiction.
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